Dear Boy Relationships,
I can't handle you right at all. I thought if I was that girl who was really shy, but kind when spoken too I would attract the right kind of people. All I got was people who would get in my face and not take no for an answer. Then I figured I wasn't in the right environment. So from a small pond to a somewhat larger one, I took the same approach. I got the same result. But this time it came with drama I didn't want nor desire. So for a while I gave up. I decided I should develop myself. Become someone not as socially awkward around the opposite sex. That ended my first year.
It worked. I changed. I became way more confident and started being more "me". I was learning to be better at talking to boys. I had more likable and less creepy guy friends. And whenever those new relationships got to that fork where you go down the path of liking them more than a friend or staying in the lane you are, you choose. And yes, there were times where I chose to take the more than friends path. And that just didn't work out. Why? I held back. I kept seeing myself being really boring in a relationship. I'd keep asking: do you think you can handle the whole package you get from being with another? I wasn't sure. So my efforts were half-hearted. And they still are.
What's worse when a guy likes me, I freak. I don't know why. It's some innate thing going inside me. It shakes me to the core. I dodge and hide from the problem. I don't know if it's fear or what. But it's a horrible and hurtful habit.
I can't say I'm sorry because sorry means I won't do it again, and I can't guarantee that it won't.
How do you want me? You keep sending me mixed signals? What am I suppose to do? Throw in the towel or fight harder? You make 85% of life complicated. The least you could do is lighten up.
Er, at least, give me a definite answer...
Very concerned,
~Ally-Cat
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