I scrapped my knees while I was praying,
and found a demon in my safest haven.
Feels like, it's getting harder to believe in everything.
Just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts.
I wanna know what it'd be like:
to find perfection in my pride,
to see nothing in the light.
I'll turn it off, in all my spite.
In all my spite, I'll turn it off.
And the worst part is before it gets any better
we're heading for a cliff.
And in the free-fall I will realize
I'm better off, when I hit the bottom.
~"Turn It Off" by Paramore
Okayy, so far summer sucks. 2011 just isn't a great year. I think I'm more confused and depressed than ever. So far my relationship between that certain someone has very marginally gone up. Yet, this summer I know that there will be no time for me and him to be anything more than best friends. And yes, we are at that level, which leads me to that question almost all of us girls go through: Is it worth the risk to try to become something more or stay where we're at?
*sigh* So once again, I'm stuck. I care for him, but the way our summers are scheduled there's no time for "romance". I can't hold my heart back like this anymore. It can't sit there, twiddle its fingers, and wait for something cinematic to happen. That's not realistic; that's just painful. But I can't let go either. Well, not entirely anyway. Somehow I feel like I have to keep searching. If you remember that saying a while back: "The only way you can get a happy relationship is to be happy in the first place". Well, what if I can't be happy? What if I need a savior to raise me out of my funk? By golly, did I try, but look what the universe spat out at me: hopelessness. Did I not give it my all? Were my intentions wrong? Or am I suppose to be lonely the rest of my life?
At this point, I think it'd be better not to jeopardize a good thing. It's nice to fantasize what could be, but it's also a jab in the heart knowing that it won't be. Maybe it's time to move on. To step back from a standstill relationship and move to one that will move forward. I've got a lot of reasons to doubt this decision, but as of now that's all I can see that looks probable.
The more and more I re-assess my beliefs the more I realize, God really does hate me..