Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What You Didn't Know / What You Don't See

You didn't know...that I was standing there beside you and you choose not to see me.

You didn't know...how I felt when you sprouted walls in front of my face because you didn't want anything to do with me.

You didn't know...what it means to apologize.

You didn't know...that your conflicting words weren't fooling anyone because I knew you were trying to not look like the bad guy. Face it, kid, in this fight no one is innocent.

You didn't know...that as much as I hurt you, you've hurt me--even if you think I don't have the right to be.

You didn't know...that those statuses you post for everyone to see may not exactly have my name stamped on them, but I knew exactly who you were directing them toward, and that's really mean and degrading.

What you don't know is that I believe in everything I say, I don't flip-flop my words to make me sound better; I don't dwell on the things that bother me too long because I know that it will eventually have to come out one way or another; and I don't hold grudges for very long.  I work hard to save what I care about and what I think matters.  My grip was tight and two-handed, but your's was loose and one-handed. You cannot deny that I didn't try my best, but when I gave up, so did you..

You don't see...is what most don't see in me, but can I blame you for it?

You don't see...is the love that can't quite express they way I want you to see it as.

You don't see...is the care and attention I try to give you, but you still see me as a friend.

You don't see...what I wonder about when you aren't around. Are you thinking about me at all?

You don't see...is how my heart breaks when you talk about her.

You don't see...is my mind and my heart tugging on my decisions as to stay where I am or to just move on.

What you don't see is everything I try to hide, but wish you knew so maybe you'd understand how I feel.  I wish you could glimpse into how I sabotage every romantic feeling I get because I have a father who makes me afraid "to stray to fall from the sidewalk" and "to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt".  I'm afraid. I'm paranoid. I'm not strong enough to overcome this battle. If you could only see...maybe that could save me.  Could you save me from this ever-present runt?


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